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My Thoughts On Blow Jobs ::smirk::
By zprymantis@smilingwithteeth.com
Well, the discussion of blow jobs was a month or so ago, and I
didn't participate. I actually got bored with the discussion rather
quickly. It's not that I don't give blow jobs, I do.. (mind you
now..not to just anyone..LOL) but oral sex (giving or receiving)
has never been the center of my sexuality.
Still, I felt this desire to explain my experiences with oral
sex, for one purpose - to help someone else out there, who might
read what I am about to say - and apply my self discovery to what
might be happening in their own life.
My fantasies have always been the submissive/spanko type. When
I was 15 years old, I figured that it was time to put away those
silly spanking masturbation fantasies and start enjoying adult
sex. On my fifteenth birthday I was taunted by a school friend,
"sweet fifteen and never been kissed" and I was determined not
to have that be TRUE (which is was) when I turned sixteen. I succeeded
in my quest. :)
A few months into my fifteenth year, I had a boyfriend, "Herbie"
and he is now my husband of 24 years. I had boyfriends before,
I was the type of girl who always had boyfriends, but I was such
a "good girl" that I hadn't even kissed one of them. As a matter
of fact, any touching at all, even a knee pressed against mine
under the kitchen table while playing a game of cards, gave me
such strong overwhelming sexual feelings, that I was very afraid
to do more. Boys got tired of me fairly quickly, because I was
just no fun.
Things were different with Herbie. I had predetermined that I
was NOT going to say no to anything - except actual Clinton defined
sex. So of course blow jobs were on the menu. Herbie was plodding
along going from sexual activity to sexual activity with me, and
coming upon no resistance. At one point, I remember him asking
me if I was a slut because I was just too easy. LOL Isn't life
ironic?
So, before long I found myself in the back seat of Herbie's car
at a drive-in movie, and oral sex was the next step. So I did
it. Did a nice job too, even swallowed. Herbie was in love with
me. I wondered what the movie was about. I missed a lot of movies
that summer, but what the heck.
Herbie continued on, going from activity to activity at his own
pace. He was a virgin when we met and I think he felt I was very
sexually backward. He even gave me some dirty books to read, and
quizzed me on them. LOL Other then providing vocabulary, I didn't
really learn too much that I didn't already know.
Eventually we got married - I married young though I wasn't pregnant,
at sixteen. It was more of an escape for both of us from impoverished
and abusive backgrounds. We finished up our childhood in our first
few years of marriage, and then in our early twenties bought the
house we live in now and started having children.
Many of the early arguments that we had, were because of sex.
I didn't move during sex. I was not aggressive. I did not initiate
sex. I was passive. Basically, I was a submissive and to enjoy
sex, I needed to feel controlled and out of control. The best
sex we had, (for me) was when he would occasionally tie me up.
My blow jobs also came under review. ::grin::
It started to take longer and longer for him to orgasm from oral
sex. It became harder and harder for me to focus on enjoying giving
it. At one point, I asked if perhaps I could refrain from swallowing,
thinking that the mental preparation for that was perhaps causing
me to not finish him up at the end correctly.
So, I stopped swallowing. Then it became an issue. During oral
sex he might wait till right before he was about to orgasm and
then ask if he could cum in my mouth. Now for me, if I had been
having any sort of submissive fantasy at all in my mind, his asking
for permission to cum in my mouth - sort of just threw that right
on out the window. It was all downhill from there.
The years went by, and sex was good..but there was the swallowing
wall. Remarks were made - that kind of hurt. "You swallowed when
we dated... get married..and things change." Yes, apparently that
is the truth.
I also never really enjoyed having oral sex preformed on me. Sure,
it feels good - but you have to remember that my mind has a certain
sort of fantasy being played out when I get sexually excited -
and having a man give me oral sex just somehow doesn't fit the
fantasy. What fits it even less, is mutual 69 type of oral sex.
There is absolutely no submissive style fantasy that fits that
scenario. (If someone wants to write one be my guest! Goodness
knows I tried to think of one to help me out.)
There was one particular period of time that my husband and I
almost stopped having sex. We had built a lot of walls up around
us, and going to bed at night actually made me nervous. I had
performance anxiety. As a spanko, my instinct is to turn my back
and snuggle close, and offer my behind - hoping he would aggressively
take me. My signals were read by him as rejection. We were so
far apart, it was a very difficult time in our lives.
I knew what he wanted, he wanted me to be the aggressor, he wanted
me to be dominant, he wanted me to take the initiative. So, one
night I did. I started giving him oral sex, then I sat on top
of him, put him inside me, got him nice and wet...then slid him
up my ass.
He loved it. He remembers that particular night to this day. I
remember it to, but not for the same reasons he does. For myself,
it was a punishment. I was giving to myself what he wasn't giving
me. I punished myself for the neglectful way I was treating him.
Things were better for a while after that. Though I still only
swallowed on occasion. I really disliked him asking right before,
so I would announce at the start that I was going to swallow this
time. Typically he would change his mind at the last minute or
warn me or do something to totally distract me, and the oral sex
was often ...bleck!
Then came the internet, my screen name, cyber friendships, cyber
sex - and I was able to write my fantasies, seduce and learn about
men online, have men envision me as sexual and it gave me such
a lift. I eventually drifted toward spanking, and to find that
there were other adults out there, who allowed those silly childish
spanking fantasies from childhood into their adult sex.... floored
me.
Here, I had found people who PLAYED during sex. They didn't just
HAVE SEX.
So, I knew what I wanted and at first it was darkness, it was
D/s, it was Master/ slave. It was easy to explain to my husband
that if he was my Master and I was his slave, then if he wanted
me to be aggressive, hunger for him, swallow, all he had to do
was instruct me on what to do. His pleasure was what gave me pleasure.
It was so simple and it worked.
Of course the first thing he wanted was a blow job to completion,
and to him it must have seemed like a magic spell- that suddenly
- it was so easy for me and so good for him. Simply place a collar
on his crazy wife's neck, and she functions like a sexual being.
Eventually, the darkness was replaced by light, and my fantasies
are more true to myself. I can call him Uncle Herbie during blow
jobs now, and I flirt and act innocent and smile as my young innocent
Zoey self. I don't have to struggle for scenarios in my mind to
fit the occasion... I play while I have sex.
So, that is what I wanted to explain. Oral sex - is not something
I despise or something I love... its something I have despised
and loved - it just depends.
© 2001 by zprymantis@smilingwithteeth.com, not to be reposted or distributed
without permission |